Control

Lord,
So today, I'm still enamored by him.  But, I also see how his confidence might cause him to come across as dismissive at times.  There's a level of ... STOP... I don't know why I do this.  I don't know this man, will probably never meet him, and the chances of me getting into a relationship with him are slim to none.  So why am I taking the time to consider X/Y/Z aspect of how he lives his life?

One word- control.  The people in my immediate family who have lived with me and know me best have said that I can be a bit bossy.  I know it's often more than "a bit."   I've found myself reading what he's written on Twitter and wanting to correct him.  He's not my husband.  He's not my man, but if he was (Lord help me not to dwell there) would I have to urge to "correct him?"  Would I spend my time with him trying to get him to agree with me/ to think like me?

I've never been in a relationship with a man and maybe that's part of the reason.  I learn so much year by year... I would have been a miserable wife in my 20s.  At the same time I feel as if it takes me so long to learn.  I wish that You would really speed things up though Lord.  And yet I know that you only do things and allow things to happen to me that are for my ultimate good... things that allow/ pressure/ encourage me to grow/  learn/ persevere.

Help me Lord to continually trust that you have my good at heart.  Help me to remember that the ultimate goal/ point of my life is not to be married and have babies or to be happy and liked.  It is to give You glory and honor, to know You even as I am known by You. 

Lord, when my flesh rises up and yearns for the temporary- help me to remember the temporalness (...is this a word or has Star Trek messed me up?) of this life and those longings.  Help me to remember You, the Creator of time and space. My Savior, my dearest Friend, my Maker and my God.

Oh, that my conduct, thoughts and desires would reflect nothing but those things that are pure, lovely, excellent, honorable, admirable, worthy of praise and true.  Help me to learn to put into practice all that I have learned from Your Word and Your people in Your timeline. 

You told Eve that her desire would be for her husband and that he would rule over her.  Is that why I (and so many other single women) feel so thirsty?  Is there this desire for a husband who happens not to exist? Are we like Rachel, except we are weeping for husbands who are not?

I desire to be married and choose to persevere in the hope that I will get married one day.  I choose to have faith that You can help me to be content in whatever state I'm in.  Lord, help me to keep my eyes stayed on You.  YOU and nothing else.
~Yours