I've never cried so much before. I've lost a sister, a grandmother, great aunts, friends and mentors, yet today is the day that I feel the most grief, the greatest loss, the ambiguous loss of a future hope.
I've always wanted to get married. I just assumed that it would happen one day. I assumed that some man would stumble upon me, see something special, something worth having and would pursue me. I assumed that we would compliment each other perfectly. That he would have been designed by God to be a perfect fit for me and I for him. That sounds like such a fairytale, yet even as I write these words, the image of that man and that life linger somewhere between my conscious and unconscious self.
I sit here on my bed, in the room that I've lived in for most of my life, in my parent's home, as a 37 year old, never-been-kissed virgin. Dwelling on these facts is usually enough to send me into pints of ice cream and despair, but there's usually that glimmer, even during my chocolate binges/ pity parties, that ONE DAY it might actually happen.
I've known for the past few weeks that I'll need to have a surgical procedure called an open myomectomy to remove several large fibroids on my uterus. The surgery is now just a few weeks away and I've been going through every single possible eventuality: 1- I could die, 2- They might need to remove my entire uterus because of some complication, 3- Recovery will be extremely painful... you get it. Every bad outcome seems to invade my thoughts. I know that I could have an amazing result, that the surgery could greatly improve my quality of life and my ability to carry a baby to term one day... yet my mind keeps going back to those worse case scenarios.
What if I never get to experience what it's like to carry the child of the man I love in my womb? Isn't that the strong almost universal desire of every woman? Could something that I desire so deeply be denied of me? Would God allow such a horrible thing to happen to me?
I don't have a lot of answers. I know that God loves me, I know that He sees me, I know that He has a plan for my life. I just don't know if I trust Him enough to truly long for His plans if they conflict with my own. I've wanted this so badly for so long... almost as long as I've known myself- I just knew that I would be a wife and mother.
The realization that this tacit, latent identity might never be realized really hit me hard tonight as I watched a friend's daughter dance around our church lightheartedly. She looked so much like her parents, and her aunts, and her grandparents and it suddenly hit me that I might never see myself, or my parents, or my sister, or my brother reflected back at me in the same way.
It shook me in a way that I've never experienced before. I came home, interacted cheerfully with my family knowing that I would come upstairs to my room to cry, sob, wail... bemoan the possible loss of what has always seemed like an inevitable identity; one that I would seamlessly take possession of. Has it been an idol? Has it kept me from truly/ completely giving my life to God? Is it something that I desire on such a primal level because He made me that way? Who would want me if I couldn't provide him with a child?
So many questions and I have almost no answers, just a sense that I haven't done enough listening, or trusting or fasting, or praying, or loving, or working, or studying. I'm left with a feeling of inadequacy, of abject need, and a strong desire to seek His face.
Wednesday, October 26, 2016
Monday, February 22, 2016
Control
Lord,
So today, I'm still enamored by him. But, I also see how his confidence might cause him to come across as dismissive at times. There's a level of ... STOP... I don't know why I do this. I don't know this man, will probably never meet him, and the chances of me getting into a relationship with him are slim to none. So why am I taking the time to consider X/Y/Z aspect of how he lives his life?
One word- control. The people in my immediate family who have lived with me and know me best have said that I can be a bit bossy. I know it's often more than "a bit." I've found myself reading what he's written on Twitter and wanting to correct him. He's not my husband. He's not my man, but if he was (Lord help me not to dwell there) would I have to urge to "correct him?" Would I spend my time with him trying to get him to agree with me/ to think like me?
I've never been in a relationship with a man and maybe that's part of the reason. I learn so much year by year... I would have been a miserable wife in my 20s. At the same time I feel as if it takes me so long to learn. I wish that You would really speed things up though Lord. And yet I know that you only do things and allow things to happen to me that are for my ultimate good... things that allow/ pressure/ encourage me to grow/ learn/ persevere.
Help me Lord to continually trust that you have my good at heart. Help me to remember that the ultimate goal/ point of my life is not to be married and have babies or to be happy and liked. It is to give You glory and honor, to know You even as I am known by You.
Lord, when my flesh rises up and yearns for the temporary- help me to remember the temporalness (...is this a word or has Star Trek messed me up?) of this life and those longings. Help me to remember You, the Creator of time and space. My Savior, my dearest Friend, my Maker and my God.
Oh, that my conduct, thoughts and desires would reflect nothing but those things that are pure, lovely, excellent, honorable, admirable, worthy of praise and true. Help me to learn to put into practice all that I have learned from Your Word and Your people in Your timeline.
You told Eve that her desire would be for her husband and that he would rule over her. Is that why I (and so many other single women) feel so thirsty? Is there this desire for a husband who happens not to exist? Are we like Rachel, except we are weeping for husbands who are not?
I desire to be married and choose to persevere in the hope that I will get married one day. I choose to have faith that You can help me to be content in whatever state I'm in. Lord, help me to keep my eyes stayed on You. YOU and nothing else.
~Yours
So today, I'm still enamored by him. But, I also see how his confidence might cause him to come across as dismissive at times. There's a level of ... STOP... I don't know why I do this. I don't know this man, will probably never meet him, and the chances of me getting into a relationship with him are slim to none. So why am I taking the time to consider X/Y/Z aspect of how he lives his life?
One word- control. The people in my immediate family who have lived with me and know me best have said that I can be a bit bossy. I know it's often more than "a bit." I've found myself reading what he's written on Twitter and wanting to correct him. He's not my husband. He's not my man, but if he was (Lord help me not to dwell there) would I have to urge to "correct him?" Would I spend my time with him trying to get him to agree with me/ to think like me?
I've never been in a relationship with a man and maybe that's part of the reason. I learn so much year by year... I would have been a miserable wife in my 20s. At the same time I feel as if it takes me so long to learn. I wish that You would really speed things up though Lord. And yet I know that you only do things and allow things to happen to me that are for my ultimate good... things that allow/ pressure/ encourage me to grow/ learn/ persevere.
Help me Lord to continually trust that you have my good at heart. Help me to remember that the ultimate goal/ point of my life is not to be married and have babies or to be happy and liked. It is to give You glory and honor, to know You even as I am known by You.
Lord, when my flesh rises up and yearns for the temporary- help me to remember the temporalness (...is this a word or has Star Trek messed me up?) of this life and those longings. Help me to remember You, the Creator of time and space. My Savior, my dearest Friend, my Maker and my God.
Oh, that my conduct, thoughts and desires would reflect nothing but those things that are pure, lovely, excellent, honorable, admirable, worthy of praise and true. Help me to learn to put into practice all that I have learned from Your Word and Your people in Your timeline.
You told Eve that her desire would be for her husband and that he would rule over her. Is that why I (and so many other single women) feel so thirsty? Is there this desire for a husband who happens not to exist? Are we like Rachel, except we are weeping for husbands who are not?
I desire to be married and choose to persevere in the hope that I will get married one day. I choose to have faith that You can help me to be content in whatever state I'm in. Lord, help me to keep my eyes stayed on You. YOU and nothing else.
~Yours
Sunday, February 21, 2016
Hope and Sin Not
Heavenly Father,
The older I get the more I realize how little I know. You alone are worthy Lord! I pray that Your Name, Your Will, Your Love, Your Grace, Your Creativity and Your Sacrifice will forever be before me. That I would dwell on those things before I begin to think/ consider/ plan/ hope for anything else.
You know that right now my thoughts are full of a man who appears to be wise, circumspect, full of Your Spirit and love for Your people. He gives voice to things that I've often felt, but have never articulated. He teaches things that I hear and instantly see Your Truth displayed.
He's handsome, thoughtful, talented, exhibits self control and has a heart for You. He is an excellent representation of what a man of God should be... LOL... Can I LOL in a written prayer? I need to LOL because my heart longs for a man like this- a man who would be a leader in my home. But my heart is deceitful. I've never even met him... I don't really know him, but I see You in him...I think.
You know how badly I want to get married and how scared I am of it. I'm scared of marriage and I'm scared of being alone. Yet I know that perfect love casts out fear. Your love is the only perfect love that exists.
Help me to hope and sin not. Help me to recognize the beauty of a man who was created by You without placing him above You. Help me to remember that the things that I find most attractive in him come from You. They are only found in him because they are a reflection of You, Your grace and gifts.
Help me to pray for him and learn from him without lusting after him. Help me to turn my eyes toward, place my faith in and set my will on following Christ. Lord, help me to keep my focus on You and not on my fantasies and longings for a physical partner. Help me learn how to be more emotionally intimate with You. All of my wishful thinking and creative writing pales in comparison with the things of You! With the stuff of life! With the King of Kings! With THE Creator and Keeper!
Help me to admire without obsessing. Keep me grounded in the love of You. Forgive me for putting my own desires before You. Forgive me for my shallow thinking and prayers. Forgive me for my faithless and self-centered walk.
Show, remind, and strengthen me so that I can live a life, think thoughts and do works that will bring You great pleasure and Joy.
~Me
The older I get the more I realize how little I know. You alone are worthy Lord! I pray that Your Name, Your Will, Your Love, Your Grace, Your Creativity and Your Sacrifice will forever be before me. That I would dwell on those things before I begin to think/ consider/ plan/ hope for anything else.
You know that right now my thoughts are full of a man who appears to be wise, circumspect, full of Your Spirit and love for Your people. He gives voice to things that I've often felt, but have never articulated. He teaches things that I hear and instantly see Your Truth displayed.
He's handsome, thoughtful, talented, exhibits self control and has a heart for You. He is an excellent representation of what a man of God should be... LOL... Can I LOL in a written prayer? I need to LOL because my heart longs for a man like this- a man who would be a leader in my home. But my heart is deceitful. I've never even met him... I don't really know him, but I see You in him...I think.
You know how badly I want to get married and how scared I am of it. I'm scared of marriage and I'm scared of being alone. Yet I know that perfect love casts out fear. Your love is the only perfect love that exists.
Help me to hope and sin not. Help me to recognize the beauty of a man who was created by You without placing him above You. Help me to remember that the things that I find most attractive in him come from You. They are only found in him because they are a reflection of You, Your grace and gifts.
Help me to pray for him and learn from him without lusting after him. Help me to turn my eyes toward, place my faith in and set my will on following Christ. Lord, help me to keep my focus on You and not on my fantasies and longings for a physical partner. Help me learn how to be more emotionally intimate with You. All of my wishful thinking and creative writing pales in comparison with the things of You! With the stuff of life! With the King of Kings! With THE Creator and Keeper!
Help me to admire without obsessing. Keep me grounded in the love of You. Forgive me for putting my own desires before You. Forgive me for my shallow thinking and prayers. Forgive me for my faithless and self-centered walk.
Show, remind, and strengthen me so that I can live a life, think thoughts and do works that will bring You great pleasure and Joy.
~Me
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