Control

Lord,
So today, I'm still enamored by him.  But, I also see how his confidence might cause him to come across as dismissive at times.  There's a level of ... STOP... I don't know why I do this.  I don't know this man, will probably never meet him, and the chances of me getting into a relationship with him are slim to none.  So why am I taking the time to consider X/Y/Z aspect of how he lives his life?

One word- control.  The people in my immediate family who have lived with me and know me best have said that I can be a bit bossy.  I know it's often more than "a bit."   I've found myself reading what he's written on Twitter and wanting to correct him.  He's not my husband.  He's not my man, but if he was (Lord help me not to dwell there) would I have to urge to "correct him?"  Would I spend my time with him trying to get him to agree with me/ to think like me?

I've never been in a relationship with a man and maybe that's part of the reason.  I learn so much year by year... I would have been a miserable wife in my 20s.  At the same time I feel as if it takes me so long to learn.  I wish that You would really speed things up though Lord.  And yet I know that you only do things and allow things to happen to me that are for my ultimate good... things that allow/ pressure/ encourage me to grow/  learn/ persevere.

Help me Lord to continually trust that you have my good at heart.  Help me to remember that the ultimate goal/ point of my life is not to be married and have babies or to be happy and liked.  It is to give You glory and honor, to know You even as I am known by You. 

Lord, when my flesh rises up and yearns for the temporary- help me to remember the temporalness (...is this a word or has Star Trek messed me up?) of this life and those longings.  Help me to remember You, the Creator of time and space. My Savior, my dearest Friend, my Maker and my God.

Oh, that my conduct, thoughts and desires would reflect nothing but those things that are pure, lovely, excellent, honorable, admirable, worthy of praise and true.  Help me to learn to put into practice all that I have learned from Your Word and Your people in Your timeline. 

You told Eve that her desire would be for her husband and that he would rule over her.  Is that why I (and so many other single women) feel so thirsty?  Is there this desire for a husband who happens not to exist? Are we like Rachel, except we are weeping for husbands who are not?

I desire to be married and choose to persevere in the hope that I will get married one day.  I choose to have faith that You can help me to be content in whatever state I'm in.  Lord, help me to keep my eyes stayed on You.  YOU and nothing else.
~Yours

Hope and Sin Not

Heavenly Father,
The older I get the more I realize how little I know.  You alone are worthy Lord! I pray that Your Name, Your Will, Your Love, Your Grace, Your Creativity and Your Sacrifice will forever be before me.  That I would dwell on those things before I begin to think/ consider/ plan/ hope for anything else. 

You know that right now my thoughts are full of a man who appears to be wise, circumspect, full of Your Spirit and love for Your people.  He gives voice to things that I've often felt, but have never articulated.  He teaches things that I hear and instantly see Your Truth displayed. 

He's handsome, thoughtful, talented, exhibits self control and has a heart for You.  He is an excellent representation of what a man of God should be... LOL... Can I LOL in a written prayer? I need to LOL because my heart longs for a man like this- a man who would be a leader in my home.  But my heart is deceitful. I've never even met him...  I don't really know him, but I see You in him...I think.

You know how badly I want to get married and how scared I am of it.  I'm scared of marriage and I'm scared of being alone.  Yet I know that perfect love casts out fear.  Your love is the only perfect love that exists.

Help me to hope and sin not.  Help me to recognize the beauty of a man who was created by You without placing him above You.  Help me to remember that the things that I find most attractive in him come from You.  They are only found in him because they are a reflection of You, Your grace and gifts. 

Help me to pray for him and learn from him without lusting after him.  Help me to turn my eyes toward, place my faith in and set my will on following Christ.  Lord, help me to keep my focus on You and not on my fantasies and longings for a physical partner. Help me learn how to be more emotionally intimate with You.  All of my wishful thinking and creative writing pales in comparison with the things of You!  With the stuff of life!  With the King of Kings! With THE Creator and Keeper!

Help me to admire without obsessing.  Keep me grounded in the love of You.  Forgive me for putting my own desires before You.  Forgive me for my shallow thinking and prayers.  Forgive me for my faithless and self-centered walk. 

Show, remind, and strengthen me so that I can live a life, think thoughts and do works that will bring You great pleasure and Joy.
~Me